


Nameless

by NocturneByChopin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5667292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NocturneByChopin/pseuds/NocturneByChopin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many years later, Sirius will wonder what could’ve happened had he put a name to the unbreakable bond between him and James.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nameless

**Author's Note:**

> The pain of falling in love with a ship in a work that has been completed many years ago is only second to the pain of falling in love with a ship in a work that has been completed years ago AND FOR WHICH THERE IS ALMOST NO WORKS!!! Unbeta'd, not brit-picked, this is just me going down with this little boat that is Progsfoot.

Their pinkies are almost touching.

Sirius has a pile of unfinished assignments and overdue homework waiting for him back at the common room; his left leg, still healing from an unfortunate accident involving his broomstick, two unsuspecting Hufflepuff girls, and a book on arithmancy, itches something fierce; and the autumn chill is seeping into his bones. He should probably move somewhere else, where it’s warm and cozy and indoors.

But James has fallen asleep under the shade of the oak tree and _their pinkies are almost touching_.

Here’s the thing about James Potter: he’s incredibly clever and an intelligent wizard, but he can be incredibly unobservant when it’s most inconvenient. He was the one who convinced Sirius that glittery, hot pink butterbeer was nothing to be afraid of—it ended with the both of them in the infirmary, puking up multicolored glitter and confetti all night—; and, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary,  he still thinks that Lily Evans hates his guts.

(It will take her a lifetime to admit it to herself, however, but that is neither here nor there.)

So by extension, Sirius knows that James is still blissfully oblivious of Sirius’s feelings for him.

Sirius turns his head toward the castle; it looks both close and distant from where they are, framed by rolling gray clouds. Loving James shouldn’t be this comfortable, he thinks. He’s heard stories about the kind of love that gnaws at your insides until you feel like you’re bleeding to death, about the all-consuming love that blinds you to everything and turns you into nothing more than a marionette. He’s seen his own family envelop itself into obsession, make grave mistakes, become ghosts at the mercy of their own feelings. Sirius has always thought of love as an inconvenience at best.

This love feels very much like a summer day after final exams, when all he has to do is relax and enjoy his freedom. It feels like waking up on a weekend in his dormitory, and knowing there’s an entire day ahead of him to cause some mischief.  It’s the sun, warm and steady, on his face.

Sirius had never wanted to love someone. Yet here he is, almost giddy because his pinky is so close to James’s he could just reach out a bit and touch it. Pretend it never happened. Laugh and challenge James to another of their ridiculous games that will inevitably land them in trouble. But he won’t, because Sirius may be reckless and sometimes stupid but he’s not fearless, and more than anything, he fears ruining this. This friendship.

Friendship. Sirius ponders on this one word. This bond between him and James, friendship is too simple, too a small a word to describe it. It’s so much more than just a friendship—they’re more than friends, more than brothers, even. A bond that defies categorization and definition, and it’s a good think he’s not a Ravenclaw, or this ambiguous, nameless thing would have bothered him more than it is.

Because Sirius likes this, he likes things the way they are, and he’s in no hurry of ruining things with James because of a silly little thing as a teenage crush. Besides, he’ll get over it, eventually.

(No, he won’t, he will love James Potter until his last day on this Earth and he knows this, but he’s always been able to charm and lie—and what difference does it make if he’s lying to himself?)

Besides him, James stirs awake. Sirius briefly mourns the fact that their pinkies are no longer in contact. “Bollocks, it’s cold,” he says as way of greeting, sitting up and fixing his glasses.

Sirius looks up. His little reverie has left him pensive and just a little bit soft. “Mornin’!”

James runs his hand through his hair and looks down at him, sleepy-eyed and content. Sirius finds it oddly charming, the way it sticks in all directions. He suddenly wants to know what it’d be like to bury his fingers there.

Something passes between them, and Sirius can’t put a name on what it is. He’s afraid to.

Sirius parts his lips, tongue briefly darting out.  James follows the movement with his eyes. They’re standing on the edge of a revelation.

And Sirius—Sirius grins and stands up in one fluid, quick motion. “C’mon, Prongs! I just saw Snivellus walking around toward the Forbidden Forest. I wonder what he’s up to…” He has ruined the spell and he knows it all too well; because Sirius might fake bravado but in the end he’s just a foolish, scared boy in love. He quickly checks his robe for dirt and grass leaves, and so he misses the dazed look on James’s face, the hurt that flashes behind his eyes for a second.

Things are fine the way they are, Sirius tells himself. He will tell himself that even as he stands in James and Lily’s wedding, witnessing their unconditional, unmistakably romantic love. He will lie to himself until he believes in his own lie, and can no longer differentiate one from the other.

 

 

(Many years later, trapped in a house he hates, Sirius will wonder what could’ve happened had he not been scared. What could’ve changed had he put a name to the unbreakable bond between him and James.

He wonders, and he daydreams of a perfect future, and he suffers his love in silence)


End file.
